i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
