discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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