dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
