Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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