his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
