Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
