I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
