She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
