Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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