dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
