It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
