There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
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I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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