Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
