I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
