Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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