i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
