Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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