just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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