I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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