I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
