Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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