o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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