Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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