i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
