WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was like eating out sand paper
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
