Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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