I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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