I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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