One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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