I want to have your abortion
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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