i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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