I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
