What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
