Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
