My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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