I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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