Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
