btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she pinky promised me she was 18
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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