I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
