Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
