Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
