I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
