The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
