Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i think i just naturally attract stoners
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
