Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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