he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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