If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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