My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
