apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
