Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
