Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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