I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
