I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
