She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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