I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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