i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
